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Light Relief

You are here: irt.org | Articles | World Wide Web (WWW) | Light Relief [ previous next ]

Published on: Sunday 2nd April 2000 By: Martin Webb

Light Bulbs

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - that's a hardware problem.

Q: How many Mac owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't know, Mac owners rather just sit in the dark...

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

Q: How many Windows PC owners does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Just one, as long as you explain it's Plug-N-Play... they get confused if it doesn't come with a driver disk.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - they just document it in the the manual.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - the software code its still at Beta Stage.

Q: How many UNIX operators does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 1 to setup the script,
1 to setup the environment,
1 to start the deamon,
1 to start the job,
1 to kill the job,
1 to examine the output,
1 to print the output,
1 to distribute the output.

Q: How many MS engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just define darkness as an industry standard!

Q: How many Internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,331:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to quote all posts to date, including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.


Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for a lifetime.

Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)


Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
A: Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

Q: Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal ball?
A: Ask it something and it replies: "Answer unclear. Add 20 Meg of RAM and ask again later."

Q: Why don't the British build computers?
A: Because they can't figure out how to make them leak oil!

Q: Somebody asked me "What happens to programmers when they die?"
A: They get reallocated?
Their values become undefined?
The get re-initialized?
Their structures break down?
They become WORM food...
They start dropping bits........
They branch to a new address!
Their social system resources are released?
They dump core? [a coredump is the result of an abort()ion]

Q: What do you get when you cross 200K of apples and lots of garbage?
A: A core dump

Have you heard about the new Cray? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

Have you heard about the new Cray? It's so fast, it requires TWO halt instructions to stop it!

Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 1500 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 5 gigabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 1600x1600 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket, and costs $300.
What's the first question that the computer community asks?
"Is it PC compatible?"

Q: What do you call a computer scientist?
A: It doesn't matter what you call him. He's too involved with the computer to come anyway.

Q: What do miniskirts and hard disks have in common?
A: Access time.

Q: What do Unix sysadmins do when they're horny?
A: Mount a file-system.

Q: How do you tell an extrovert computer scientist?
A: He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

Tech Support

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok." Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer: "No..."

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."

Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"

Customer: "I can't open the box."

Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."

Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."

Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:\ and type 'dir'." Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.

Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."

Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"

Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"

Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the M' key...does that matter?

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.

Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."

Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."

Customer: "What is that?"

Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."

Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"

Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."

Tech Support: "You did what sir?"

Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."

Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."

Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"

At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.

Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"

Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."

Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"


Tech Support: "Sir?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer!"

Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"

Customer: "Ummmm."

Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"

Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"

Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly, Sir, we've got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

Customer in a computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had her change ink cartridges. I had her delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over 2 hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong:

Customer: "I brought my windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm, what happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they were not initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember what the message said exactly, ma'am?"

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized, they all appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still sitting in the same position, only now she was tapping her foot impatiently. He asked her if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. It's been over 90 days, so, this'll cost you $75, okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "Well, we won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a stacker."

Bill: "A stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit around twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment centre on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Mmmmm, I dunno... Well, let's go on to issue number two: This is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, nobody's making you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. It was due out this year, but we've had some delays..


It's generally a bad idea to say something can't or won't be done:

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

"But what...is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Attributed to Bill Gates, 1981, but believed to be an urban legend.

Microsoft Dinner 2000


You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:


Then enter:


If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:


This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 2000. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Signs that you've had too much of the 90s

  1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
  2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
  3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
  4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask "Do you fancy going down the pub?" and they reply "Yeah, give me five minutes".
  5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year.
  6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
  7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
  8. You consider the royal mail painfully slow or call it "snail mail".
  9. Your idea of being organized is multiple coloured post-it notes.
  10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
  11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
  12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
  13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
  14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
  15. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
  16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay raise.
  17. You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news.
  18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
  19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
  20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
  21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
  22. It's dark when you drive to and from work even in the summer.
  23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
  24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
  25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
  26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
  27. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
  28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
  29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
  30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
  31. Your boss's favourite lines are: When you've got a few minutes...Could you fit this in...?...in your spare time...when you're freed up...I know you're busy but...I have an opportunity for you
  32. Holiday is something you roll over to next year.
  33. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving.
  34. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection.
  35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
  36. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
  37. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
  38. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.
  39. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "mates you send jokes to" e-mail group.
  40. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.

Are you qualified to be a professional?

The following quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional.

Scroll down for the answers. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?


The correct answer is:

Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?


Incorrect answer:

Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator.

Correct answer:

Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?


Correct answer:

The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.

OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.

4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?


Correct Answer:

Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability.

If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.

If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.

If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.

If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as politics.


We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons", where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons"?

Here goes:

(_!_)      a regular ass

(__!__)    a fat ass

(!)        a tight ass

(_*_)      a sore ass

{_!_}      a swishy ass

(_o_)      an ass that's been around

(_x_)      kiss my ass

(_X_)      leave my ass alone

(_zzz_)    a tired ass

(_o^^o_)   a wise ass

(_E=mc2_)  a smart ass

(_$_)      Money coming out of his ass

(_?_)      Dumb Ass

How to get ahead in IT

Bullshitter (3 month contract)

Bullshitter required. You will have at least three years experience of doing jobs for which you have no skill or aptitude, ideally in a Unix environment.

Skills to include bullshit, ideally to politician level, and waffle in a technical capacity. Arse-covering skills will be an advantage. CBE (Certified Bullshit Engineer) qualification essential.

Liar (6 month contract)

You will be working for a prestigious, high-profile company. You must be able to claim a degree with first-class honours, preferably from Oxford or Cambridge, and own a car which (although impressive) does not actually exist. You will also be required to make up stories or explanations on the hop, so experience of police work will be considered favourably. Ties and/or certificates are provided to add convincing "colour" to the successful applicant's statements.

Unix Guru (Rolling one month requirement)

Candidates must have at least three of the following qualities:

  1. a stupid and unusual hairstyle with goatie beard,
  2. fashion taste which stopped somewhere in the mid-60's,
  3. a lifestyle quite unlike anyone else, or
  4. a habit of wearing sandals with or without socks.

The ideal applicant will also have a Californian accent. Unix experience not essential, but some keyboard skills may be useful.

Inexperienced timewaster wanted - urgent contract.

Candidates (under 21 years of age) must be able to fill out at least six pages of a C.V. with claims of experience and knowledge totalling a minimum of 150 years. In addition, they must also be able to claim involvement with hobbies which nobody in their right mind could possibly fit into a lifestyle which included, for example, sleeping or eating. The successful applicant will have no real skills in any category whatsoever, but candidates will be considered providing they do not know anything about C++ programming or Project Management.

Destruct testers required. (3 month contract, extendable to 6 months)

Clumsy, careless oafs of a naturally foolish nature must demonstrate their ineptitude with several, briefly-held, positions. The successful candidate will be asked to break something during the interview, preferably in a way which the interviewer will never have thought possible or remotely likely.

E-commerce consultants. (3 hours, extendable to 12 years)

Experience in e-commerce not required. The successful applicant will have no experience of any of the following: commerce, computers, the internet, good taste. A lack of design skills and a fixation with style over content will also be important. You should have current experience in gross over-charging and hoodwinking scrupulous clients. You will work with a bunch of other opinionated irritating wankers, constructing a series of web-pages with as many 'broken links' and loose ends as time and money allow.

Scapegoats. (One month contract with bonus on completion.)

Conscientious and hardworking individual. Experienced in customer support and maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills which can be used to show why the interviewers were right to employ you, coupled with a complete lack of awareness regarding arse-covering. You will work with a close-knit team of temporary contractors and will travel from project to project tasked with the job of tidying up the loose ends to ensure customer acceptance and satisfaction.

Timewasters, timewasters, timewasters.

Six timewasters are required for an urgent contract in the Far-East of Scotland, to start immediately. Skills must include six months coffee machine, three months photocopying and general administration and a minimum of one year "between assignments".

Unskilled slapheads required for six month contract.

Must have own suit (preferably brown). Own desk, and hatstand is provided for suitable applicants. Lazy good-for-nothing with multiple chronic illnesses sought to assist busy, interfering manager. Must be idle and shiftless. A bad memory and/or dyslexia will be advantageous.

Noxious beancounter required.

Must interfere constantly and construct meaningless lists of serial numbers and other pointless documentation. Numeracy/Literacy not a requirement, but an interest in trainspotting is essential. Bad-breath and BO advantagious. Contract is for an initial three months and may be extended indefinitely.

Useful conversions/units

Some things you wouldn't want to hear said at a nuclear plant

Windows '95 (95 OSR2, 98, 98SE, ME....) Frequently Asked Questions

Why should I upgrade to Windows 95?

Because of the size of Microsoft, and its influence on the American economy, it's crucial that all PC users buy Windows 95. If this doesn't happen, the dollar will fall further against the yen, unemployment will rise, the deficit will increase, interest rates will skyrocket, the market will crash, and we'll be plunged into another world war. Besides, Bill Gates says you should.

What about long filenames?

Ha ha. Can't believe you fell for this one. Sure you can create long filenames, which are then immediately truncated to an eight character string, for old times sake. When you go to look for your file, the operating system matches a random sampling of letters with the filenames it has stored. Good luck finding your file.

Does Windows 95 offer true multitasking?

Yes. It's called Interactive Multitasking, meaning you can work on other tasks while waiting for your computer to reboot each time Win95 crashes.

What does 32-bit mean?

Colloquially, 2 bits means 25 cents (as in "Shave and a haircut, two bits"). So 32 bits is $4, or the amount it costs Microsoft to make something for which they'll charge you $89.

Can Windows 95 really work with only 4 MB of RAM as Microsoft claims?

It's true! However, we caution you not to try to run any programs under this configuration. In fact, it's best if you don't turn the machine on at all.

Why did the Justice Department allow Windows 95 to ship with access to Microsoft Network?

The Justice Department was mysteriously gifted several million shares of Microsoft stock by an anonymous donor and now has a stake in Microsoft's eternal success.

Why would I want to sign up for Microsoft Network?

You won't have a choice. Windows 95 manipulates your monitor's refresh rate to flash subliminal messages on your screen suggesting that you sign up for MSN. In this hypnotic state, you'll do anything they say. Anything they say. Anything they say...

How do I get support?

In anticipation of the flood of customer support calls, Microsoft has contracted with city agencies across the country for their services. If you need assistance for Win95, just dial 911.

But doesn't Windows 95 come with some cool features, like a trash can on the desktop?

Wow. How... innovative of them.

Didn't Windows 95 have another name?

Yes. Macintosh '89.

The 12 Days of Windows

Gary M. Davison|December 20, 1999

[Sing to the tune 'The 12 Days of Christmas']

On the first day of Windows my computer crashed on me. A fatal exception OE.

On the second day of Windows my computer crashed on me. VFAT device failed, and a fatal exception OE.

On the third day of Windows my computer crashed on me. No printer found, VFAT device failed, and a fatal exception OE.

On the fourth day of Windows my computer crashed on me. While I was online, no printer found, VFAT device failed and a fatal exception OE.

On the fifth day of Windows my computer crashed on me. I HATE BILL GATES, while I was online, no printer found, VFAT device failed and a fatal exception OE.

On the sixth day of Windows my computer crashed on me. IE just locked up, I HATE BILL GATES, while I was online, no printer found, VFAT device failed and a fatal exception OE.

On the seventh day of Windows my computer crashed on me. An illegal operation, IE just locked up, I HATE BILL GATES, while I was online, no printer found, VFAT device failed and a fatal exception OE.

On the eighth day of Windows my computer crashed on me. January 1, 2000, an illegal operation, IE just locked up, I HATE BILL GATES, while I was online, no printer found, VFAT device failed and a fatal exception OE.

On the ninth day of Windows my computer crashed on me. Error reading drive A, January 1, 2000, an illegal operation, IE just locked up, I HATE BILL GATES, while I was online, no printer found, VFAT device failed and a fatal exception OE.

On the tenth day of Windows my computer crashed on me. My files became corrupted, error reading drive A, January 1, 2000, an illegal operation, IE just locked up, I HATE BILL GATES, while I was online, no printer found, VFAT device failed and a fatal exception OE.

On the eleventh day of Windows my computer crashed on me. I want a refund, my files became corrupted, error reading drive A, January 1, 2000, an illegal operation, IE just locked up, I HATE BILL GATES, while I was online, no printer found, VFAT device failed and a fatal exception OE.

On the Twelfth Day of Windows my computer crashed on me. Thank God for Linux, I want a refund, my files became corrupted, error reading drive A, January 1, 2000, an illegal operation, IE just locked up, I HATE BILL GATES, while I was online, no printer found, VFAT device failed and a fatal exception OE.

Contributions can be sent to Martin Webb.

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